Mongrel Masters Shots

By Mongrel Masters Coaching Director KY Gel Yarwood

KY Gel Yarwood with multiple Mongrel Masters Champion Ramrod Ramsey and Mongrel Masters Chairman Noni Scanlon at Augusta National

Introduction:

Having watched over the years some of the finest exponents of the mongrel game, indeed mongrel lifestyle, I want to share with you some of the lessons and tips that I have picked up along the way on this amazing journey of discovery. I want to share with you little nuggets of information gleaned from players of the majesty of Andrew Ramsey, Antony Scanlon and non other than that legendary mongrel, Michael Campbell. I impart this wisdom to you so that you can truly become an exponent of the true art of mongrel golf. For it is an art, honed over many years with pure hedonistic sacrifice and self indulgence. So, read the ways to improve your mongrel golf and don't forget you will not get anywhere without practice!

1. Swinging without spilling a drop.

This is an obvious and often overlooked shot to master. You must have full control of the tinny or other beverage in your non-dominant hand. To find out which hand is dominant at the time, look at Rambo and try and poke one of his eyes. Whichever finger you use is you dominant hand at that time. Make sure your grip is firmly clasped around the whole can, some people prefer a glove but that is another story. It should almost feel like you are clasping your manhood. Well maybe not for some of you, but for me it feels like that, but I don't' want to talk about that. Ensure that you have taken the excess froth out of the can.

Now, hold the club in your dominant hand. Take your normal stance and address the ball as steadily as possible. A practice swing may help at this point as your focus should be making a good whack and having complete control of the drink. Some people hold it close to them and some hold it away from the chest. Either way, Make sure it turns with your chest to avoid spillage. Now get settled at address, turn and whack. To celebrate it is often a good idea to take a healthy swig on the follow through as a reward for a job well done. You may at this time also ask your opponent where the fuck it went!

For the more advanced you can try this with the drink at lip contact at address and drink throughout the stroke. Back to Top


2. Which ball to hit when you see two or three!

Often a sign that the demon liquor has joined you for a game and he wants to make it more interesting by blurring your vision and adding balls.  People are often told to hit the one with the best lie! I am not an advocate of that as at the mongrel course, all the lies are shitty! I would suggest that you go for the one moving the least and in most focus. Back to Top

3. The trouser leg drop.

Most true mongrel exponents have mastered this at an early age. They have had experience of having holes in their trousers as youngsters and figured out through trial and error, masterful control of the pocket billiards game. This is a cousin of pocket billiards, often called a game within a game, the trouser leg drop is an invaluable asset in Mongrel shot making. Simply play with your balls in the trousers that you are using for the tourney (Note, You may have to keep this indoors as people may laugh at your choice of slacks and hit you for no other reason than becoming a cross-dresser.)

Once you have formed a hole, which may take a few weeks (you hope!). Simply get a golf ball of your choice and slip it down the hole. With copious practice, you can manipulate your leg bend and trouser creases for precise ball placement. Remember it takes practice, the trickiest bit is to make sure that you get good foot ball control on delivery from the bottom of the trouser.

A good way to practice is to wander around the living room dropping the ball as discreetly as possible. You can make this fun with your partner and ask her when and where you have dropped it to see how convert you can be. You can include the dog also, but that is a whole different ball game that may be against the law in most countries! Back to Top

4. The foot wedge.

Sometimes called the David Beckham, but renamed the Rambo after how often he uses it, this is a easy shot to gain a stroke or two and improve a lie. The window wiper method seems to be most effective. Get the ball near your toe, a quick glance around to see who is watching and swish, turn on the wiper! The speed of the toe dictates the speed of the ball. So, fast motion for a good 5 metre ball position change, slow for a couple of centimetres. So, get out there and give it a try in your next mongrel game.Back to Top

5. How to piss on your opponents ball with deadly accuracy and effect.

There is no finer exponent of this relatively new shot to the mongrel game than Butch …… He brought it to the attention of the world media in a match with Cambo in which he poured scorn on Cambo and pored urine on his ball! The clinical precision of the delivery really caught the eye's of the world. Along with the bright yellow fluid that actually took paint off the ball and melted a few dimples! This was later analysed by the mongrel doping labs and was found to be 8 times over the limit and contained the 2 class A drug stimulants and one class B. On these findings he was awarded the title and made an honoury member!

The great advantage of this shot is that you can kill two birds with one stone. You can relive the bladder which by hole 6 should be bursting if you are a true mongrel and also make your opponents ball fly sideways. A great way to practice this is to go down the pub each night and on your way home try and piss on objects on the floor whilst still in motion. A novel idea I recently saw in the states was to lay a dark board on the floor and play 501. That really gets your slash accurate and can only serve you well in the event. A note, another great closely related yet underused shot is the projectile vomit onto an opponents ball. The same as the piss, but from a greater height and with greater debilitating effects. I feel this may come into common play at some stage in future tourneys.Back to Top


6. Alcohols affect on rhythm, timing and your mental approach.

Laisse-Faire as our French friends would say. Add alcohol to a mongrel and you have got someone who moved like a cart horse to a thorough-bred! The flow is like that of the alcohol consumed, all fear and inhibitions, especially on the first tee are gone. The player feels like he is in a bubble, which effectively he is as he has millions of them in his blood at the time from the beer! A mongrel will just not care at all, especially as the round progresses. This is a very desirable situation to be in. My major tip here would be to make sure that prepare properly, so that by the time you get to the first tee you should be steaming and ready to flow. Back to Top


7. Darts with a ball whilst your opponent hits, 2 games in one, great fun.

A great way to make your opponent look like a plonker more than he already does. As he tees the ball up and makes a backswing, simply get your ball and try and hit his ball off the tee before he comes down. This is great when it works as the player usually spins round and ends up in a heap on the floor swearing his head off. It can be repeated often for maximum unsettling of your opponent. A quick tip is to start off low to the ground feigning that you feel sick, then simple pelt the ball and sit back and laugh.Back to Top

8. Sledging the easy way.

A easy way to put off fellow players is to Sledge them. This is a variant of the form found on the cricket pitches of the world. The mongrel sledging can go as low as you can think. Use of the fact that the player may have had liaisons with cattle in a sexual capacity and such like, should be used for maximum off-putting effect. Through years of research we have found that it is often best said in a middle range voice as the player reaches the pinnacle of the backswing. You can also sledge in a physical way by throwing things or touching your opponent during play. This would not be advised against players like Lonard and Campbell as they are built like brick shit houses and may hit you back! Back to Top


9. Caddyshak and how it can help.

A universal language; Quotes from this movie are known by leaders of the free world and mongrels alike. Many of the shots in the mongrel Masters can be seen and studied in this biblical film for a mongrel. The attire of Karl the Cinderella boy could have come straight from the first tee of a mongrel event, along with his delusional, psychotic tendencies! Big Al has every trick up his sleeve and even has a golf bag that serves drinks, now there is something to work on for next year.

The foot wedge can be seen here as well as the trouser drop. All shown in great detail and having slow-motioned them many times I can tell you that the technique is flawless. I feel that anyone wishing to become a true artist of the mongrel game should have to quote some lines from this movie and watch it 10 times before being accepted into the mongrelhood. A definite pre-requisite to getting more from your mongrel game.Back to Top


10. Pre-round preparations and warm up.

Having been around mongrels for a while, I feel that most mongrels, even beginners have mastered the pre-round preparation and warm up. It obviously involves the abuse of one's body to the largest possible extent. Fragrant use of alcohol that has been badly stored for years. A huge intake of nicotine and other stimulants and maybe the odd burger or deep fried morsel to wet the pallet. Whatever you find works best for you, you should arrive at the first tee talking dribble and staggering around ready to play. Back to Top

11. Post round analysis and evaluation.

The post game de-brief is vital in the ways of the mongrel. It can go on for hours and run into the subsequent day. The victor shall be the worst of the lot or he loses his title by default. There should be a profusion of absolute bullshit talked by each player (more than normal if that is possible) along with the lack of ability to walk and control the bowels and bladder. I would consider maybe a change of underpants and spending a few nights with Rambo before hand to experience the bullshit talk and to get you in the flow. Back to Top

Overall:

It is vital that you work on these shots, both the mental and physical. Remember, you are playing in the world event of Mongrel events and competition is fierce. If you follow some of this advice you will raise your game and profile in the mongrel world but will be scored by non-mongrels and maybe end up in jail or hospital.

Disclaimer: The author accepts no responsibility from anything that may arise from following the tips in this section. He distances himself from any trouble or law suits that may arise as a result of this advice and would like to retain his anonymity. (a portion of the proceeds of these tips has been sent to AA Australia)

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