Cunning Cordial Caper- Red Colby's deceit goes flat

In one of the greatest frauds since the Hitler diaries, Red Colby masqueraded lemon cordial for beer at the 1997 Sledge Ball. What a player described as a "greedy underhanded plot to get his grubby freckle infested mittens onto the greatest prize in golf", Red has lowered the bar to a level that not even a snake could limbo dance under!

Harsh words. But lets analyse the process and effort that Red Colby went through to execute his deception and I am certain that you, my dear reader, will judge him with the same disdain and contempt as the writer.

Firstly, this was not a spur of the moment decision by a poor, trapped, defenseless lamb, but a premeditated, cold and calculated plan executed by a cunning sewer rat, that germinated in his mind, (a term used loosely in this case) the moment Red walked from the green of the last hole in the 1997 Masters as an also ran, yet again!

Daily, Red would scribble down on scrap pieces of paper, plans and ideas that would lead to him donning the blue tweed. Initially the thought of getting lessons and continuous practice was contemplated, but that sounded like too much hard work for Red! Gradually the desire for success developed from a burning ember to a raging bush fire that drove him to the point of obsession. Plan after plan was devised and critiqued, until finally the mother of all plans was born- the great beer substitute! At this birth, euthanasia would have been justified, but the father was too proud and besotted with the notion of winning.

The beer bottles that were used in the deception were collected by Red from Timbriki Tip’s recycle yard, not one drop of their contents passed his lips!! Upon arrival back home with his booty, Red carefully and painstakingly steamed off each label from the eight receptacles and then sanitised them thoroughly. After three days of continuous washing and scrubbing, our compulsive, obsessive golfer was ready to add the wonder elixir into the bottles.

A series of taste tests and exacting empirical analysis were carried out by Red with the Robinson’s Lemon Barley cordial until they were deemed fit to be poured into the cylinders of subterfuge. Upon sealing, the labels were affixed back to the bottles and all was set for our pitiful golfing hopeful. As long as no one found out about his deception during the Sledge Ball, he was certain that he would be crowned the champion the next day and lauded with all the trappings that go with success!

The subterfuge continued during the Sledge Ball, where a stubby holder was used to camouflage the contents of the bottles. It seemed to be the perfect plan, until someone inadvertently opened one of Red’s "beers". To his fortune, the opener must have been extremely intoxicated and left the bottle untouched after tasting what he probably thought was one of the beers that were to be drunk the next morning in the tournament and how foul it appeared.

As if affirmation was needed that there is a God and that he plays golf in heaven, Red Colby’s dastardly attempt to win the Mongrel Masters collapsed into a steaming pile of cow dung. His foolish analysis that alcohol was the reason for his previous demise was proven to be unfounded. It takes a golf swing that won’t buckle under pressure and character to win the Masters! Two attributes that time and time again have been lacking in Red’s armory and the 1997 Mongrel Masters was no exception.

As time went by after the tournament the stain of cordial on Red’s hands was driving him to madness, just like Lady MacBeth, as the guilt of his deceit became too much to bear. So in an effort to absolve him from his transgressions, Red made a confession to the high priest of the Masters, Noni Scanlon. There was no absolution, no penance of a couple of Hail Mary’s and Our Father’s dealt out at the confessional by the priest. Just scorn and disbelief!

Time heals all wounds. However, history will not be kind on Red in this instance. Many have likened his indiscretion to that of Ben Johnson drug scandal at the 1988 Seoul Olympics. He has changed the landscape of the Mongrel Masters from mutual respect and trust, to suspicion and deceit.

No longer can the tournament organisers take for granted that there will be a level playing field for all competitors through the staging of the Sledge Ball and assuming everyone will drink until they stumble over. Red’s actions have led to the demise of the Sledge Ball. Yet another tradition that has fallen victim to the avarice of the nineties.

The question my dear reader is should we pity him or should we mock him?

They say that a man’s character is the sum of his worth, how much was this worth for Red?

Click here for 1997 Results

Click here for the 1997 Mongrel Masters in Photographs

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