Long Drive Cliffy Giving Lessons!

It seems some players will go to any lengths to wear the Blue Tweed, even to the point of taking lessons.

Yes! That's right lessons.

Bunker specialist, Champion Willey has taken the extraordinary step of receiving tuition to improve his game, all in the name of supremacy on that great day in December.

It appears a chance meeting with a Masters legend, Long Drive Cliffy, was all it took to transform the attitude of Champion. A man who has never stood up to be counted at the Masters.

Champion takes up the story.

" I was doing a spot of whale watching down at the Harbord Hilton. Lo and behold, in walks the great man, Long Drive Cliffy, ready to partake in his other great love- sinking schooners. Naturally enough the conversation soon turned to the Mongrel Masters. I then broke down and declared to Cliffy that I was sick and tired of traveling all the way out to Palmy to get beaten by complete arseholes like Noni and Harold. There they are up there parading around in the Masters jacket, thinking they're Lord God Almighty, telling everyone the sun's shining out of their blurters. Well I've had enough Cliffy and I'm going to do something about it."

Pretty soon Harbord Pub had been changed into a driving range and the great man, Cliffy started to extol the virtues and philosophies of his game to Champion.

"Cliffy sorted me out in about half an hour, for the ridiculous fee of a schooner of VB. Mentally, I'm probably better prepared for this years Masters than I have been for years. Physically I am now even hitting the ball past the ladies tees." said Champ

This announcement was met with some bemusement amongst the other touring mongrels.

Stylish left hander, Steve" Mushroom head" Colby, a man that traditionally struggles on Masters day said that he "laughed until I stopped" on hearing Champion's news. Colby then went on to make a spray at the Tournament Director, Noni Scanlon.

"I normally don't get out of bed until 8.30am. Noni knows this and that f...knuckle insists on teeing off at dawn so that I will never don the blue tweed!"

Tour veteran Yok "Buddha" Yeates said that he might go and get a lesson off Cliffy. "I especially like the part about sucking piss down at the Harbord Hilton." said Buddha.

Tournament Director, Noni Scanlon, a man who has come in for quite a shellacking over the years from fellow mongrels was his usual arrogant self when his views on the matter were sought. Noni, who once described Long Drive Cliffy as "possibly the worst player ever" said "Cliffy couldn't coach a choko vine over a dunnie."

So it shall be seen whether any of the mongrels who seek tuition from Long Drive Cliffy will benefit from it on the golf course. The skeptics think that the only thing that you could learn from Cliffy is how to sink schooners consistently and not how to sink putts!

Click here for 1997 Results

Click here for the 1997 Mongrel Masters in Photographs

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