Wilko Wilkinson the Deep Throat of the Masters

Wilko Wilkinson has earned the reputation as the deep throat of the Mongrel Masters. Each year Wilko will figure high on the leader board with an opportunity coming onto the last hole to win the Championship. However, he will inexplicably collapse into a smoldering piece of shit and triple bogey the final hole to finish in the pack.
 

As Noni Scanlon so succinctly phrase it: "Wilko has put himself in more positions to win the Masters than there is in the Karma Sutra. Yet each year, like a young lad about to enjoy his first sexual experience, he lets it all go as soon as the fly is undone and its time to do the business"
 

"He will never win a Masters as he is such a soft cock" was the King Bonser's pointed response to Wilko's inability to handle the heat of the cauldron at the Mongrel Masters.
 

Wilko has written to the Mongrel Masters Board requesting that he be able to start his round at this years Masters on the 9th hole and then to play each hole in descending order instead of the normal ascending order. It was his belief that it was the order in which he played the course and not his quivering jelly belly that was the reason for his lack of success. Needless to say the Board sent him a polite response of "Go and get f@#$ed"
 

The effect of his failures on the golf course, are mirrored by Wilko in his day to day life. A close associate of Wilko's, who did not want to be named, believed that his failure to have a permanent job and to finish building his house, can be directly attributed to his low self image that has manifested
from his frustration in not being able to cope with the pressure of the Mongrel Masters.
 

The source also said that Wilko was seeking psychiatric help and that the drugs he was now prescribed seemed to have abated the nightmares and cold sweats, however, the nervous twitch still remains.
 

Courageously Wilko will play in this year’s Masters. Outwardly he will exude confidence to those around him. Inwardly there will be a small voice that starts as a whisper when he steps up to the first tee. Then as the round progresses the volume of this voice reaches a deafening crescendo that totally consumes him. Finally his only thought on the last tee will be the words from the voice, " I AM A LOSER". Wilko's fate is then sealed and history repeats itself, as once more the title will slip between his fingers like sand through the hourglass.
 

It is sad to think that a golf tournament could screw someone up so bad



Click here for 1996 Results

Click here for the 1996 Mongrel Masters in Photographs
 

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